Women over many years have fought hard to ensure that those of us alive today in many countries have many choices when deciding how to live our lives.
That’s one hell of a responsibility we have been handed and for which i am very grateful. but it also comes with the pressure or assumption that we will make the most of the gift we have been given. We really can have it all.
As many women are discovering having it all comes at a cost. But for those of us who choose to have it all are by nature failing to choose. Whilst this works for many, some of us simply do not have the stamina to live 2 full complete lives often with conflicting pressures.
for those of us with Aspergers the impact of having to live a life in a mask on top of those 2 complete lives is even harder. For me it was too much, even working part time and limiting any attempt at progression in my profession.
If you read my last blog post you will know that now i am no longer living 2 lives, and do you know what? ITS LIBERATING. So i thought i would try and break down how i feel right now.
- I feel calm. Its like the stress just melted away. I’m still very tired, but the CFS diagnosis may account for that. The ability to live at a slower pace and have several hours a day alone is the most beneficial thing imaginable. That calmness is very helpful in the mornings. I’m still the last one up, and not before I get some coffee and breakfast in me first. But the school run is getting done. Not only is it getting done, the kids are happy, well groomed (who knew i could plait hair) and organised. The only real issue is that i need to shift my routine by about 5 minutes to get to the doors when they open rather than just as they close. The Aspies amongst you will understand that this is easier said than done! Today though. We made it in good time, and its only taken about 3 weeks!
- My children are calm. Really those few weeks has rought a change over my house. My kids like me again. No really, they do! They go to bed happily (generally), they do play together nicely and they engage with me. Just as importantly I like them again. Its a self perpetuating smiley cycle.
- I am able to “do” again. Like i said, i’m still really tired and socialising or activity after 7 pm remains a no; but some of those jobs that haven’t been done for a long time are getting there. Little by little, I use my day time to plan short activities split up by breaks like cleaning out wardrobes or doing our filing. Those things that have irritated the crap out of me for years but I. JUST. COULDN’T. DO. IT. Those things are starting to get done!
I thought I would feel guilt. Guilt that I was not setting a good example to my daughters, guilt that I was betraying those brave women who had made my way of life possible, guilt that I was no longer contributing financially. But, I dont, not in the slightest. Actually I feel proud that i can show my girls that they have a CHOICE. That ability to choose the life they want is the most important thing.
Change is happening. Change is great 🙂